Don't Stop the Music

-Rihanna

Short post tonight. I am almost home and I just don't feel like complaining right now. Haha. For all those keeping track, it has been the full 8 weeks since I received my knee injections and I am unfortunately here to say that there has been no improvement. And unfortunately for me, I think they may have even gotten worse. So....my options? I am not really sure to be honest. I just made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. Maybe it is time to talk surgery. 

I have also been given the name of a NEW doctor. Word around work is that he is very good and has preformed a couple surgeries on employees or their families. I don't know if I am ready to see a newdoctor though. I don't think I could take more bad news from someone new. I guess I'll make a new decision on Monday. All I know is that I really don't like using this cane. 

Wish me luck.

Born to Lose

- Ray Charles     [click to listen]

I feel like I've made a wrong turn. I don't know it it was 5 hours ago, 5 days ago or 5 years ago. I am just not the person or in the place that I always pictured. It is easy to blame it on the stress of the job or on the actions of others but it all boils down to one dedinative conclusion: it is time for a change. And No, I am not just jumping on the Obama slogan bandwagon. I have tried to control my anger at work with very little outcome. But unless I come across a large sum of money, I cannot leave where I am. All I need is just a sliver of respect. It's not a life-changing goal but it is something I need to retain my sanity.

My goal is simple and obtainable, but can I keep a clear head and push through this hard time? These past few months have really got me questioning myself and my future. It is not what I need now.

I find myself thinking of Nana a lot lately. She was always so proud of me and the work I did and I fear that since she passed away, I have been letting her down. I have not moved forward in becoming the man she always saw. She was my inspiration and now I feel more alone than ever. It has been a few years now but the very thought of her gets me choked up. I need her back. It is too hard. I don't know how to control my emotions and they are getting the better of me.

What makes this pain hurt all so much worse is that I know life is not going to get easier. I would be naive to think so. But think of this; both of my grandparents had numerous health problems that they had to deal with most if their lives, my mother is dealing with her disabilities on a daily basis, I swear my father is diagnosed with a new illness monthly, and there is me with my knees, my migraines, my inexplainable chest pains and now high blood pressure.....it destroys me to think of the pain my family has endured and will endure in the coming years. And then I look at my love. Sasha has been with me through so much already and I am scared what pain I will eventually cause her to feel.

Untitled

- Crash Test Dummies     [click to listen]

It's dark out.  I can barely see the road if not for the blinding lights of the oncoming cars.  Tired and sluggish I sink into my seat.  Where is this journey taking me?  I don't know what is in store for me at the next exit let alone the next mile, but we keep moving.  The rain gets louder as the echoing pierces through my headphones and drowns out my iPod.  Not that I was really listening to it anyway.  Too many thoughts in my head.  The fire in my throat worsens.  Slow down; is this my exit? Nope.  Keep going.  Where am I?  The driving conditions are getting worse.  The rain seems to fall from every direction.  Soccer moms and douche-bag dads fly in and out of their lanes without a care in the world.  Are they that foolish or am I for being so judgmental?  My headache tags in, out steps my throat for a few rounds.  I cannot keep a single thought.

The brakes are pushed to the floor.  It's too late now; out of control and into the center divider.  Flames shoot out from the sparks created by metal and concrete becoming one.  No airbags...No seatbelts...This is out of my hands now.  Can I regain control and keep on my journey or must I pull over and stop for a while?

Maybe I can find a detour.

Why Part 2

-Collective Soul [click to listen]

No pit stops tonight. No time.

To continue my train of thought from the other night; where is my life leading me? I am not one that believes in fate or destiny. All I know for sure is what is currently happening to me. And even that is not always clear. I have this feeling of entitlement that is completely unfounded. I feel like I deserve to find my dream job and make the salary that I desire. But that is obviously not the case. I cannot progress at work due to the hypocrites that surround me and I will not be able to be happy again until I can make this fundamental change. There is no greater depressing moment then sitting on this bus emotionally raped by the place that holds my future by a tiny thread.

Is it morbid to think of my end of days? Not in terms of ending my own life but just the details of events that transpire from that last breath on. Who will know? Who will really be effected and who will shrug my passing off with a pseudo-sympathetic sigh. Ever since I was little I tried to envision my funeral to see who showed up. I'll tell you this. The turn out was not more than a handful. Of course with time I have met more people and the world I know is exponentially larger. But what about that magic number? Have I really done anything in my preceding years to alter the number of chairs?

A less somber scenario that will forever cycle through my head is when I will inevitably make a trip to the hospital; for a surgery or some other reason. I can probably name the people who would send a card vs. Those who would show up. I feel like this is a level of insincerity on my part that I should really take a closer look at. Maybe their are people closer to me than I think. Am I just that closed minded to the possibility that people like me and that I am more than just that guy from school, work etc. My problem is that whenever I feel close to a friend, I realize that the "friendship" is more of an one sided acquaintance.

But whatever the path I am limping down is... I am ready for it.

One Step Closer

-Linkin Park [click to listen]

It is time for a pitstop. Get out and stretch. Throw out your trash that has been building up at your feet and do us all a favor and take use of the restroom. I am not pulling over to let you pee on the side of the road like last time. That police officer was not too happy with us.

Feel better? Good. Me too. Now strap in and let's get back to it. With luck we will be there by morning.

Have you ever stopped to think about your life? Where you've come from. Where you are going. This is the hurdle I just cannot seem to clear. There is so much to my past that I just do not know and worse yet, so much of my future that I am too afraid to know. This past Friday, my parents returned from their vacation to Italy. Yeah, I know. I'm jealous too. While traveling the Boot land, they visited the small town where my grandmother (on my father's side) was born. Would you believe it that they found her old house?! My parents had visited to town hall and learned so much information about my grandmother that no one ever knew...including her! We have now learned that her full name was Romilda Rosina Maria Ferruzzi. To be able to uncover such amazing information is too hard for me to process. With a little more research, my parents were able to trace back to my great great great grandparents. This is a part of my family I've never even knew existed. To add a further level to this tower of information, my parents were informed that he still has a living relative in town: my dad's third cousin who they met up with and were invited into her home. The same house that my grandmother was born in; never remodeled or painted. The very same as it was in 1851 when it was built. So overwhelming.

So with this information, I can now apparently apply for dual citizenship! Which probably would have helped when I was trying to get a job in the U.K.

So now I have this new found inquisitive nature to reconnect with my family and my past but have no idea where or how to start.

**UPDATE**

Just a minor tweak to the posts. I will be (hopefully) posting a link to listen to the song that I have chosen for my post headline. So far I was only unable to find one. But feel free to visit old posts to partake in the audible goodness you may be unfamiliar with. 

Now...back to our journey.

I Wanna Go Home

-Michael Buble     [click to listen]

So I am hyped up on caffiene after consuming 3x the amount of coffee I usually have. Not to mention the three delicious cupcakes that Tess made. So I leave work with a nice buzz and after a pretty good day looking forward to meeting up with some friends and of course, My Sasha, at home.

So right outside of my building is an entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel and the traffic sucks. No big deal, it's pretty typical. Once I get to the Port Authority I'm sure it will be fine. So I'm walking down 9th Ave. and I am noticing that the next entrance to the tunnel is closed off. Hmmm. Traffic is that bad that they closed the entrance? So I keep going when I realize that there is a police officer at every intersection I cross. So I finally ask one if there is a problem with the tunnel. "Bomb scare or something. Shut down." Okay...First off bomb scare said so nonchalantly. No big deal. JUST a bomb. But that isn't the part that really confused me. "Or something?" Really? I would assume there would be a different procedure for a bomb scare than, I don't know, a pigeon in the road.

I keep going and walk into the Port and I have no ideas on how I'm getting home. I'm 2 steps in the door when I hear that NJ Transit is honoring bus tickets for the train. THE TRAIN!! Son of a Bitch! I now decide it is in my best interest to take the train which means I need to walk the 12 blocks back to where I just came from. Boy am I glad I don't have my cane today!

So I get to Penn Station and it is a mad house. Thousands of bus riders apparently had the same stroke of genius. It takes me a couple minutes but I get to the ticket machines. As soon as I get online, this random girl 25ish grabs my arm. "Mike right?" Ummmmm Yeah. "You know Mike Kaplan right?" Ummmm No. "You're from Suffern though right?" Yeah. "Yeah I thought I recognized you! How are you getting home?" Creepy!! So I rmexplain the whole train thing and she learns that since she has a NJT bus ticket, she doesn't have to wait on line and runs off.

So I get my ticket and get to the train to Secaucus and that is where I now sit. Waiting for the 7:55 to Suffern. Hopefully I do not encounter any more B.S. And I can get home so we can go out! ::sigh:: Sure us a good thing I don't have to pee......DAMNIT!!

Youth Gone Wild

-Skid Row     [click to listen]

A tiny disclaimer to make me feel better.  This is Safe for work...BUT it really pushes the line.  Either way, sit back and enjoy the jaw dropping that will commence.

Leader Of Men

-Nickelback     [click to listen]

Obama says "Do Your Work!"

Thank you Build-O-Bama for giving me arts and crafts time at work.
http://www.build-o-bama.blogspot.com/

Modified

-Save Ferris

I would consider myself a tall person. Last I knew, I measure around 6'2". I know I'm taller than average. But I encountered something weird this evening on my way to the bus. I found myself walking next to a guy who was easily 6'6". Four inches...big whoop! (That's what she said.) by I truely felt like I was so small. I don't just mean in comparison to him, but in the world. It was like I temporarily lost the knowledge of my height. I could have easily been 5' tall my whole life. It was truely an odd sensation. Once I was no longer next to this man, I felt fine again.

So now it has got my brain thinking, is this a common occurance among all heights of people or must I deflect back to the blanket statement of Damn! I am really fucking weird!

Happy Friday.

Come Out Swinging

-The Offspring     [click to listen]

Well...I almost blew up at work today. Thankfully there is a gym downstairs and I was able to go there and lift some aggression away. Between asshole coworkers and fucking stupid whores in the building, I just cannot seem to keep myself in line. What's going to happen when I just get pushed too far? I can only imagine the worst. If I don't learn to ignore the asshole and deal with the fucking whores, then I am in some serious trouble. 

My name is Mike and I have an anger problem.

Sick and Tired

-Default     [click to listen]

So tomorrow is my second series of injections and I am not too excited about it to say the least. My knees have been killing me these past few days and I can honestly say with no difference since before. Once again, I am quick to declare my lack of faith in this latest attempt of pain-free living. I was told not to expect any real results for six to eight weeks after the first injection; proof right there that I am in no position to make a conclusion on this procedure. But I was also told about how so many people, most specificlly my mother, find INSTANT relief from the first injection.

I am just so sick and tired of being the excuse. Nope... can't do that, it's too much for poor ole Corbo. I can't exercise my knees and legs because it hurts too much and I can't get better without the exercising. I feel like I am the constant outlet of pity and sympathy. But I don't want pity. I don't care if the pain is too much, it forces me to spite those negative feelings at my own expense. 

I think back to the days that I would bitch and moan about my knees and even use that bullshit pity to my advantage. But I could run, play frisbee, jump, WALK! Part of me feels like I liked the attention. But now I am past the point of a real fix. I can get this fake crap injected into my broken-ness or I can get major surgery that has no promises of improving anything! Wow, what a great place to be! And if I get the surgery, then what? A couple months of recovery mixed with more physical therapy just so I can be alone all day long. Now I know you're jealous! Suckers! I don't go out with friends as it is, how is that possibly going to improve in a wheelchair or on crutches? I guess I'll have to cancel my pole dancing lessons too. 

I see now that of all things to inherit from my father, I have gotten his stubborness and neglect of personal well-being. I will never stop myself from living how I want because of this injury but will IT stop me?

Fooling Yourself

-Styx     [click to listen]

How hard is it to stand up and admit when you are wrong? What if you don't know how to do something; can you (forgive the expression) man up and admit it? What about just sticking your ground and saying "This is the way it is because I say so and if you have a problem, you can come to me about it!" Are people that scared that someone, be it a boss, friend or even a stranger will challange or oppose the statement? Put your name on it! Why is there always an excuse; a reason that justified the action?

Nobody wants or likes to be wrong. Personally, I try very hard not to be wrong. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. The difference, though, is that I have the balls to stand behind it. I have the ability to admit my shortcomings and take credit for my mistake too. I do not fear being judged. If I cared what people thought about me, I would never had a mohawk or tattoos or died my hair blue. You don't agree? Fine with me. But don't tell me I'm wrong because we don't agree. It was my opinion that my action was just and accurate. That is the beauty of an opinion! If you can show me why or how I went wrong, maybe I will agree and maybe not. But I still made my own decision based on my own feelings, and not out of fear of a unlikely but possible outcome.

Bittersweet

- Fuel     [click to listen]

So today was my doctor's appointment and I have now received my first of 3 injections into my knees.  And can I say.....OW!!!  I strolled into the doctor's office around a quarter to 9 this morning, BEFORE my coffee I might add and the nurse sets out the assortment of toys on the counter.  So of course I took a picture.

So the procedure consisted of two shots per knee. First, he marked out the injection points and cleaned the area with a series of alcohol wipes and what looked like iodine.  Next came the first shot which was the local anesthetic.  Completely painless. Next was the actual injection: Synvisc.  Left knee first.  My doctor tells me to take a deep breath in, and then as I release he injects the needle and all of it's goodness.  I barely felt a thing!  It was great!  Next up....right knee.  Same thing, deep breath ("Yeah, ok Doc,  I don't need to do this shit for such a minor discomfort!") and in goes the needle and all I can say is "Ow! Shit...Ow! Ow! Ow!  Apparently, my right knee was not a fan of the Synvisc.  The doctor explains that even though my left knee is my "bad" knee, my right knee had been giving me pain lately, which means that it was more irritated, hence the more pain.  Thankfully, I had my can with me in the office or I would never have been able to get out of the office. 

So now I have to limp back to my car and floor it to the bus stop so I can get into work only an hour late!  This is really fun with numb swollen knees.  You've got to try it.

In case you are curious about what exactly I had injected into my knees, here is a little diagram that I took off the pamphlet I was given.  Basically, what this Synvisc does is go into the cavern of the knee and fills in all of the gaps and holes caused by my deteriorating cartilage.  This helps against any further cartilage damage as well as adds a little cushioning to the joint.  And hopefully, it should also help aid along some new cartilage.  The typical time period in which I should notice results vary from instant to 8ish weeks.  The results can also last anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple years.  It will all just depend on how my body reacts to the Synvisc.  

Like I had said previously, my number 1 concern is to be able to stand up on my wedding day.  If it wears off after then, surgery is only a phone call away.  But there is no way I will consider anything of the sort before May 16.  So I guess now we just wait. 

It is now 5:45pm and I'm feeling pretty good.  I am still a little swollen and definitely still very sore.  But there is a sensation of no pain.  I know that sounds weird but you need to realize that I have not, not had knee pain in.  I don't know if I can actually remember the last time I wasn't concerned about it.  It had to be High School.  I'm still not sure if there is some sort of placebo effect going on or if the numbness or swelling is causing this different sensation but I am very pleased so far.  Even if this is the best it gets, it is so much better than yesterday.  Here's hoping....

Now, since I am the dork I am, I took a pic of the injection.  I saved this till the end since a lot of people hate needles and such so if that is you...DON'T SCROLL ANY LOWER!!  (Sorry if its too late already!)  For anyone else that is interested.  Enjoy!

Basket Case

-Green Day     [click to listen]

Yesterday's movie has got me thinking about dreams. I am one of those people who says I don't dream. And I will disclaim now that I know that "never" is not accurate. I do recall times that I've woken from a dream. BUT, I will say that is not a common occurrence. On the other hand, I DO daydream a lot. I am constantly off vividly picturing randomness. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Even as I write this I am picturing different scenarios of how my walk to the bus could have played out. Like what if that jackass bumped into me (and almost fell over I might add) responded to my verbal assault with physical retaliation? Would my cane become a nice additional weapon or would I be able to kick his ass without it? My ego gets a little ahead of me sometimes.

Anyway, now that we've tangented a little you can see my point. Is my constantly running imagination compensation enough that I do not require it at night?

Has anyone ever asked you to clear your mind? Think about nothing. Can you? I have tried...and failed miserably. I am either talking to myself or just randomly acknowledging different sounds, feelings, smells etc. And let me tell you, once an enjoyable thought is in my head, there is no overcoming it. I will over-analyze and replay all possible outcomes until something finally draws my attention away. As I write this, I realize that I am sounding more and more psychotic. Haha. Welcome to my head!

Meanwhile, the passengers on my bus are about to revolt against this driver who is sure to kill us all in a horrible accident....at least that is what I'm imagining.

So am I just a few short delusions away from a trip to Crazy Town; population me? Or am I just over-exaggerating the whole situation. I'm told I do that.

Sweet Dreams

- Eurythmics     [click to listen]

Before I get started, I have decided to start titling all my new posts with song titles. Hopefully somewhat relavant and most probably something I enjoy too. This will add a little personal touch to each post that may inspire you to listen to the song.

I have just finished watching a movie called Slipstream. Written and directed by Sir Anthony Hopkins, this was one of the craziest films I have ever seen and I totally recommend this to anyone who enjoys films. And I say FILM and not MOVIE for a reason. I consider there to be a difference between the two. Dude, Where's My Car is a movie, where Requiem For A Dream is a film. I think the difference is self explanitory. Here is the back blurb about the film:

"Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins writes, directs, and stars in this surreal tale of one man’s journey into a vortex where reality and dreams collide. Aging screenwriter Felix Bonhoeffer (Hopkins) has lived his life in two states of existence—the world of reality and the world inside his head. Hired to rewrite a murder mystery, Felix is baffled when the characters from his movie show up in his life and vice versa. Felix tries to maintain his equanimity as reality and fantasy collide in an increasingly whirling slipstream."

If you are a netflix-er, I think this is definitely worth an add. But here is the disclaimer....This is the MOST confusing film I have ever seen. And I have seen some weird shit. And to top it off, one of the more confusing sections of the film is the part that makes the most sense.

I do not want to divulge too much information about the film (not that it would probably help at all) but I would love to have someone to talk to about this film! So go rent it, download it, pay off the crazy old man who sells dvds out of a suitcase for $5 or do whatever you do to get a hold of this film and sit back and enjoy the journey into the place of your mind that hasn't been used in months. When that is done, give me a call or just reply to this post so I know what you thought.

Enjoy the journey....

Never Forget??

I did have a big plan about writing about September 11 and my thoughts about today and 7 years ago...But I just really don't feel like it anymore. My only input on the subject tonight is that people stop using the phrase "Never Forget." Is this really a concern? Do people really think that someone will just forget that hundreds of people died from a terrorist attack on our country?? Give me a break. I couldn't forget about it if I tried, let alone the unfortunate people who were more closely effected. With every newspaper, magazine, television and carrier pigeon spewing non-stop images, stories, theories or memorials how would one go about forgetting? 9-11 has become an excuse for false patriotism and pity. Saying it fucking sucked is a huge understatement and I do not mean to take anything away from the suffering that derived from the loss on September 11, 2001, but there is a certain level of decency and respect that I feel has been forgotten by the population to make room for over saturated media bullshit and ignorant conspiracy theories. Of course those who were part of this tragedy deserve our thoughts and prayers (if that is your schtick) but never forget, there have been many lives lost over many years for many reasons before this day.

Ctrl-Z

It's been a long hard day so I have a few random topics to talk about. First off, I did in fact go to the doctor today. And the news was not as bad as I expected but also not as good as I was hoping for. Too keep things short, I will have to go for a series of three injections into both knees. This injection should hopefully releave a lot of pain. It will take about 6 weeks from the first injection (next week) for me to notice a significant change so I guess I'll just have to sit back and trust that it will help. Apparently my mom has ad these same shots and it worked well for her. So there is hope. The alternative, however, is MAJOR knee surgery. Doc said that it could entail reshaping bone, cutting muscles or tendons and other fun sounding procedures. That severley scares me. I have two simple goals; I want to be able to stand up next to Sasha on our wedding day without knee braces or pain and I want to be able to play with our potentially adorable children. These are not outrageous requests. Anyway, I will keep you posted as to future knee related progress.

Next I just have a request to any tourists or people wandering NYC. If you don't know how to walk in a city like manhattan then get the fuck out of my way!! I don't understand why walking is such a difficult procedure. My trip to Best Buy today was such a pain in the ass.

But speaking of Best Buy, I stopped by today to pic up Mitch Hedberg's new CD. This is the first release after he passed away. If you haven't heard his comedy it us worth a listen. This cd isn't his best work but it is basically because this performance was not intended for release but he didn't live long enough to perform the show he had planned. This was put together from a show in '05. R.I.P. Mitch.

The last thing on my mind (and by on my mind I mean the notepad that I jotted down my topics on) is while sitting at my desk today I received an email from PayPal with my monthly statement. First off, I did not use PayPal this month. I then receive a second invoice from them. In a matter of minutes I apparenlty paid SKYPE £10 which is around $19.00. WHAT THE FUCK??!! After calling India for support, I get them to cancel the transactions but now I'm nervous. Some of you may know that my creditcard number was stolen and used online a couple of months ago and I really do not want to go through that again. So I want to cancel my paypal but I can't because of these pending transactions! Grrrr.

Is it possible to Ctrl-Z life?? Anyone? I cannot handle this much depression in such a short period of time.

It's time for a little Girl Talk

No I am not talking about sitting around gossipping about boys and pillow fighting. Not that we won't be doing that at a later time. The Girl Talk I am referring to is a 20-something year old who has created some really kick ass music. If that isn't enough to sell you on it, then you tell me where else you will find a song that seamlessly combines artists like Emimem, Britney Spears, AC/DC, Ace of Base, Daft Punk, LEN, Missy Elliot and DOZENS of more artists into a musical experience you will not believe. Who would have known that rap and hip hop would mesh so well with songs such as "Come on Eileen?" I'll tell you who...Girl Talk. It is like he took my iPod and remixed the whole thing together. And I know some of you will not think that is a good thing but trust me. So you may be sitting there saying "But where can I go partake in this awesome-ness? I bet it costs a lot of money." You can start off by opening up google and searching for Girl Talk. Within the top 5 results will be his mySpace page. Open that link and you will be able to download the latest album. Now, here is the kicker.....the price. It will cost you WHATEVER YOU WANT!! If youwant to pay $15.00 for the "Holy Shit" listening experience, that's great. If you want to pay NOTHING, that is okay too! So go and download this album and throw it on your iTunes or winAmp or whatever and hit play. It's okay, I'll wait......


SEE!? What did I tell you? Now, if you like it as much as I do, you jump back on that Internet and find a torrent or something of the rest of his musical collection. There is around 4 albums and 2 vinyls as well as a live performance. So happy listening and let me know I'd I'm just crazy or if you enjoy this too.

Power Off...

It is Friday, I'm almost on my way home and my mental functions have officially stopped. Even though this has been a short week, today has been a long ass day. No more dealing with stupid people with stupid questions! Hooray! So now all I have to worry about is getting to the doctor. Just made an appointment for Tuesday. I am really not looking forward to it at all because every time I go to the Dr. lately, I either learn of a new problem or get told there is nothing they can do about my old problems. I just can't take the pain anymore. There is no reason why a 26 year old should be in as much physical pain on a daily basis as I am. Today I was using my kick ass new cane (thanks to Sasha's dad who made it for me) and I was immediately treated different by people on the street. I'm not really sure if that is a good thing. Maybe it is just me being a pessimist, but I take it as pity or sympathy and not as a good-natured deed. I'm sure that I am just blowing things out of proportion but that's what I do.

But on a happier note, I might have made a contact to get a new job. I know I've said this before and ended up jinxing myself but I'll just have to see how this pans out. If anyone knows of a job or needs a photo retoucher....let me know! If I have to stay at my current job too much longer, I'm going to lose my mind.

Okay...Bus time, almost. I will leave you with this lovely photo I took on lunch the other day outside of MSG. Enjoy!

If you cant read it..."Need money to get drunk so that 2 women can take me home and molest me! Donations accepted at www.whosyourdaddy.com/spankmeharder.orgasm"

You can't teach an old dog, old tricks...

So at what point do you give up trying to help or correcting their mistakes? I think I am at that point now. Anyway, welcome to the first ever journey Into the Art of Corbo. In posts to come, I will be sharing some thoughts, some artwork and probably a whole lot of randomness that I needed to release. Always feel free to comment and respond to anything along the way.

And with that, let the journey begin....

P.S.- if this guy in front of me doesn't stop reclining into my knees
I'm going to fucking kill him!!