-Collective Soul [click to listen]
No pit stops tonight. No time.
To continue my train of thought from the other night; where is my life leading me? I am not one that believes in fate or destiny. All I know for sure is what is currently happening to me. And even that is not always clear. I have this feeling of entitlement that is completely unfounded. I feel like I deserve to find my dream job and make the salary that I desire. But that is obviously not the case. I cannot progress at work due to the hypocrites that surround me and I will not be able to be happy again until I can make this fundamental change. There is no greater depressing moment then sitting on this bus emotionally raped by the place that holds my future by a tiny thread.
Is it morbid to think of my end of days? Not in terms of ending my own life but just the details of events that transpire from that last breath on. Who will know? Who will really be effected and who will shrug my passing off with a pseudo-sympathetic sigh. Ever since I was little I tried to envision my funeral to see who showed up. I'll tell you this. The turn out was not more than a handful. Of course with time I have met more people and the world I know is exponentially larger. But what about that magic number? Have I really done anything in my preceding years to alter the number of chairs?
A less somber scenario that will forever cycle through my head is when I will inevitably make a trip to the hospital; for a surgery or some other reason. I can probably name the people who would send a card vs. Those who would show up. I feel like this is a level of insincerity on my part that I should really take a closer look at. Maybe their are people closer to me than I think. Am I just that closed minded to the possibility that people like me and that I am more than just that guy from school, work etc. My problem is that whenever I feel close to a friend, I realize that the "friendship" is more of an one sided acquaintance.
But whatever the path I am limping down is... I am ready for it.
No pit stops tonight. No time.
To continue my train of thought from the other night; where is my life leading me? I am not one that believes in fate or destiny. All I know for sure is what is currently happening to me. And even that is not always clear. I have this feeling of entitlement that is completely unfounded. I feel like I deserve to find my dream job and make the salary that I desire. But that is obviously not the case. I cannot progress at work due to the hypocrites that surround me and I will not be able to be happy again until I can make this fundamental change. There is no greater depressing moment then sitting on this bus emotionally raped by the place that holds my future by a tiny thread.
Is it morbid to think of my end of days? Not in terms of ending my own life but just the details of events that transpire from that last breath on. Who will know? Who will really be effected and who will shrug my passing off with a pseudo-sympathetic sigh. Ever since I was little I tried to envision my funeral to see who showed up. I'll tell you this. The turn out was not more than a handful. Of course with time I have met more people and the world I know is exponentially larger. But what about that magic number? Have I really done anything in my preceding years to alter the number of chairs?
A less somber scenario that will forever cycle through my head is when I will inevitably make a trip to the hospital; for a surgery or some other reason. I can probably name the people who would send a card vs. Those who would show up. I feel like this is a level of insincerity on my part that I should really take a closer look at. Maybe their are people closer to me than I think. Am I just that closed minded to the possibility that people like me and that I am more than just that guy from school, work etc. My problem is that whenever I feel close to a friend, I realize that the "friendship" is more of an one sided acquaintance.
But whatever the path I am limping down is... I am ready for it.
1 comment:
It's not particularly morbid to think of death; people have been doing it for millenia. It's the greatest and most universal unknown.
I sometimes get caught up in it and it's usually caused by some sort of empathic connection, like I hear of someone having heart problems and it reminds me that it's the most likely way for anyone to check out and my grandfather had heart problems late in life which ups my chances considerably.
With any luck when it is time there will be people that will be there; maybe not the same people as any other day but the finer details of the future is the other great and universal unknown.
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