- Ray Charles [click to listen]
I feel like I've made a wrong turn. I don't know it it was 5 hours ago, 5 days ago or 5 years ago. I am just not the person or in the place that I always pictured. It is easy to blame it on the stress of the job or on the actions of others but it all boils down to one dedinative conclusion: it is time for a change. And No, I am not just jumping on the Obama slogan bandwagon. I have tried to control my anger at work with very little outcome. But unless I come across a large sum of money, I cannot leave where I am. All I need is just a sliver of respect. It's not a life-changing goal but it is something I need to retain my sanity.
My goal is simple and obtainable, but can I keep a clear head and push through this hard time? These past few months have really got me questioning myself and my future. It is not what I need now.
I find myself thinking of Nana a lot lately. She was always so proud of me and the work I did and I fear that since she passed away, I have been letting her down. I have not moved forward in becoming the man she always saw. She was my inspiration and now I feel more alone than ever. It has been a few years now but the very thought of her gets me choked up. I need her back. It is too hard. I don't know how to control my emotions and they are getting the better of me.
What makes this pain hurt all so much worse is that I know life is not going to get easier. I would be naive to think so. But think of this; both of my grandparents had numerous health problems that they had to deal with most if their lives, my mother is dealing with her disabilities on a daily basis, I swear my father is diagnosed with a new illness monthly, and there is me with my knees, my migraines, my inexplainable chest pains and now high blood pressure.....it destroys me to think of the pain my family has endured and will endure in the coming years. And then I look at my love. Sasha has been with me through so much already and I am scared what pain I will eventually cause her to feel.
